Monday, January 23, 2012
From "Hate my life and helpless" to "Its okay and dependent"
Tonight after another night of conflict with grown folks I found myself thinking "I hate my life". I even spoke it, under my breath of course. Wounding words being thrust into the hearts of a family torn apart by the effects of sin. Oh you might say, "your too harsh" but I know us...I know me. I realized tonight how fast a comment can be made when you have been hurt or belittled by someone who is living totally for themselves. It was not enough that I yielded to my wicked heart and let the rot come forth; I confirmed the excuse of my wayward adult children that while we confess to be followers of Christ we have not made much progress in some areas of our life. Words are to be few and the Bible warns us about provoking our children. There are times when the Lord opens a window for us to have some Godly conversation but they are few and far between. The rest of the time we are called to live it as if we were the only Christ follower they will ever meet. While I allowed my quick cutting comment to come out, there was a cheering section adding fuel to the flame. My comment was bad enough but the other comments were heaping insult to injury and there was no way God was glorified in my home tonight. It was another spectacle of dysfunction by people who take such pride in how much they’ve grown in the Lord.
I come before you tonight to confess that my pride is a beast that must be destroyed. I'm called to love my "enemies" even if they are my own children. I'm told to pray for and love those who despitefully use and abuse me but you know the reality is I go through the motions for a period of time, relying on my own "self control" and become convinced I'm so filled with the Spirit that I've become a big, juicy bowl of "Spiritual Fruit Salad". My family night ended with one leaving; going out to a world of darkness that she feels more comfortable in than her own home and one sinking back into his own little world of seclusion where he can communicate through the night with his real family; his "Face book Family".
I realize my lost children should not feel comfortable being here living in direct contradiction to Gods Word and our rules but if there is discomfort it should be due to the conviction of the Holy Spirit not the condemnation of "holier than thou" parents.
As I was overcome by grief at my sin and how the night progressed I went to my bathroom (you'll hear more about that room of my house in another post) and cried out to my Father. He is absolutely loving even when He has to discipline me and show me how I should have responded. As far as my comment "I hate my life" the Holy Spirit assured me that I should hate my life for the Bible says "Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life", but not for the reason I was hating it. I hated my life because of the trials, struggles and endless conflict I feel on the inside. For a brief moment I wanted a life that was easy, I wanted to be around people that are easy and loveable and kind and I wanted to be the mom whose children rise up and call her blessed. The Lord; in my bathroom, showed me how far I was from where He was taking me and how little I really want to follow Him. There is a song that says,
Blessed Be Your name,
When I'm found in the desert place,
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
As I began to turn my suffering into an offering, He accepted me, held me and reassured me He was not finished with me and my family. In that moment as my daughter left with my little grandson I realized how helpless I am and how capable He is. The Holy Spirit held me close and said, your helplessness drove you to Me and I am your only source of Hope in this and every other situation. He reminded me that although I thought I trusted Him, he had to pry my hands off the two of them and know that He loves them more than I do and He can bring about things that I could never do in my human state.
Our Father wants us to hate our lives and our worldliness so much that we lay it all down and follow Him all the way; no matter where He leads or who He brings into our lives to "break us" so that we are poured out and the only thing left is Him. He also wants us to be helpless for those are the times He can step in and love on us and remind us that HE IS perfect, His ways are perfect and He makes no mistakes. He loved the world; all of the world so much that He sent His Son so that I; yes even I with all my pride and faults can be make right with the Father and transformed into His likeness. So tonight I chose to "hate my life for His sake" and become helpless so He can bring holiness.
In the name of Jesus I come to say thank you for the times when I blow it and you redeem me and teach me valuable lessons. Thank you for loving my family with all of our faults and dysfunction and thank you for continuing to reveal yourself to us in your Word. Please help us apply what you show us and learn the lessons that you so gently teach. I love you and I bless your name whether on the road marked with suffering or when the world's all that it should be; blessed be your name.